


Foxy Lalonde

by recreationalvampirism



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Attempted Seduction, F/F, Joke fanfiction, Useless Lesbians, Wordcount: 1.000-5.000, daves only mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2020-01-12 12:14:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18446345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/recreationalvampirism/pseuds/recreationalvampirism
Summary: Kanaya Maryam has seduced almost every girl in school with even an inkling of gay thoughts. Enter Rose, AKA Foxy Lalonde, who has seemingly become dedicated to beating Kanaya at her own game. However, Kanaya is a fighter, and she intends not to lose.However, it may be harder than she thought.Joke fanfiction for the tenth anniversary of Homestuck





	Foxy Lalonde

**Author's Note:**

> i'm sorry for this in advance

“Don’t you ever get tired of girls?” Karkat asked her as she painted his nails black.

“Um. No,” Kanaya replied, always prim. “Don’t you ever get tired of Dave?”

“I see your point,” he said. “But, seriously? Aradia?”

“What about her? She’s charming and we share common interests, and her skirts are always nice.”

“You’re only saying that because she’s showing more ass since you two started hooking up.”

“Her legs are very nice,” Kanaya admitted.

Aradia had intentionally been wearing more revealing clothes since they had been “a thing” (not courting, Kanaya had given up on that) and she had noticed, but she didn’t realized that she may have caused it. She just assumed Aradia was trying to be more comfortable in the warm spring weather, but last year, she had just continued wearing long pleated or flowy skirts, not the short overalls and anime girl skirts she had been wearing lately. Oops. They were extremely cute, though. If Aradia was not much more curvy than Kanaya, she would have suggested a clothing swap.

Karkat was often irritated with her for going from girl to girl. It wasn’t intentional; Kanaya just preferred variety, and she didn’t have a preference for anyone. None of the girls she was around complained when she had another appointment, and she made sure to always be up front with any new ones. She also e-mailed a spreadsheet of her schedule to every girl. She spread her time evenly and it paid off.

She realized she sounded like Porrim.

“Am I being a Porrim?” she asked Karkat, slightly alarmed.

Karkat gave her a Look. “No. First of all, you only hoe yourself around the girls. Second, you don’t dress like she does, thank god, because I think I would go fucking blind if you did that. Third, she never wore a hijab, and you wear one sometimes, so I think that’s a point. Fourth, uh I don’t have a fourth point. Wait, yes I do. Fourth, it’s spring of our senior year, and Porrim had a steady relationship with someone, while you don’t. That’s all I got.”

“Hmm,” Kanaya mumbled.

“Are my nails done?”

“Oh. Yes. Let them dry a little bit, though.”

“Duly noted, Miss Maryam.”

 

“I’m busy tonight,” Aradia said, smiling apologetically.

“Ah, I understand. May I ask after your activities?”

“I’m hanging out with Rose!”

“Rose?”

“You don’t know her? She’s Dave’s sister. Ask Karkat about her. She’s really cool, I bet you two would get along.”

Kanaya placed her hand on her shoulder. “I’ll keep that in mind.” She leaned down to kiss Aradia on the cheek. “I’ll see you later.”

 

“Dave has a sister?” Kanaya inquired. She tossed out another ratty shirt with two holes on Karkat’s bed. “That wasn’t in any way salvageable. Why you still kept it is beyond me.”

“Hey, that shirt was my heart and soul. I can’t believe its beauty is lost on you.”

“It has cartoon crabs on it.”

“Exactly.”

“Anyways. About Dave and a potential sister.”

“We’re not dating,” Karkat said. “I don’t know everything about him.”   
“Aradia told me specifically to ask you.”

“Fine. He has a sister.”

“One.”

“Yeah, Fox-- I mean Rose.”

“Hey.”

“No.”

“But I would like to know what that last part was.”

“Dave calls her Foxy. I’ve heard other people call her that too when she isn’t around, or shit like that. Foxy Lalonde.” Karkat folded his hands on his lap.

“Hmmm. A strange name for a sibling, but I don’t think of Dave as the type, so I assume it is an insult that someone else came up with.” Kanaya gave up on the closet for now, and sat next to Karkat on his bed.

“Probably a girl.”

“Oh?”

“Hey, down. She’s gay as fuck, but in your way.”

“And is there a problem with that?”

“Two extremely promiscuous lesbians? I’d have to hear all about it from my dear best friend, who is prone to an extreme amount of fucking detail, pun definitely intended.”

Kanaya gasped. “I would never.”

“Um. Remember Terezi? Jane?  _ Jade _ ? I could go on here.”

“Hmmmm. Anyways, why haven’t I heard of this Rose before?”

“Well, they came here in middle school, but you probably never met, and then Rose left to stay with another family member or something, and now she’s back. She’s been here a couple weeks.”

“Thank you for the explanation.”

“Thank you in advance for the scars I will endure for you.”

“How poetic. That’s what you tell someone as you marry them.”

“Maryam.”

“I’m going to throw away another shirt just for that.”

“Fuck.”

 

“I heard you’ve been asking after me.” A voice, soft but not sultry, spoke from behind Kanaya’s locker door.

She closed it and studied the girl. White shirt with a purple skull, black skirt, black tights, purple shoes, knitted black cardigan, relaxed stance, leaning against the locker. Her face was pretty and ethnically ambiguous, her expression neutral, her lips full and covered with black lipstick,her eyes had purple contacts in, and her hair was blonde, though Kanaya suspected it was dyed like Dave’s white hair. “Do you happen to be named Rose?”

“I am indeed Rose Lalonde.” She had the slightest of smirks.

“Interesting,” Kanaya commented.

“How was your afternoon with Aradia yesterday?” Rose asked. And then it hit Kanaya.

She wasn’t just another girl after all the girls. She was specifically targeting Kanaya’s girls.

Kanaya didn’t know what to do with that information.

 

“So, she’s going after girls I’ve gone after.”   
“That sounds like a whole ass mess, one that  _ I would not like to be involved in, in any saphhic shape or form. _ ”

“Unfortunate.”

“Wear this tomorrow.” Karkat held up a green tank dress with a pink bow.

“With the gray shirt.”

“With the gray shirt.” He turned to the closet and picked out some chunky heels. “The goal is to make Lalonde flustered. She’ll be so red that Dave will wear her ironically.”

“That sounds like a skinning.”

“Who knows what that fucker is capable of.”

“I don’t think he’d skin his own sister.”

“This is a weird hole we’ve gone into, and I fear it is a black hole we may never escape, but we must attempt to do so, with possibly disastrous consequences.”

“Yes, let’s change the subject.”

 

“You look fetching today, Maryam,” Rose said, passing her smoothly in the hallway.

“Likewise.”

 

“I was wondering if you might join me in an engagement after school?”

“Depends,” Lalonde replied. “Where will we go?”

“Possibly the planetarium, maybe the library. We could even peruse a bookstore.”

“Tea and a bookstore sounds interesting.”

“Then it’s a date.”


End file.
